Tuesday, 22 November 2011

Ok look - at least its not a myspace photo

So um, clearly, I am not very good at this blogging thing, what with posting supposedly every week to once a month to once a blue moon, or something. I realised that I ought to, at the very least introduce myself. I don’t think it will pull in new readers or anything, but it does give me an excuse to post pictures and attempt to be some sort of Allie Brosch (but clearly, not as cool, funny or popular, but I can pretend right?).

So yeah – My name is T, I am generally human, and mostly, I am a person. In my spare time I like being someone, be it online or offline. I also like books, travelling, deer, history, doritos, politics (for the lulz), drawing, painting, beading, crafting, doritos, sci fi, makeup, Vivienne Westwood, Nilaga (a filo food dish), video games, bubble tea and doritos…

I have also lived out of a suitcase for a lot of years of my life. Home to me was were I could put my suitcase – Madrid, Sydney, Milan, Madrid again, The Hague, Leiden, Brussels, London, Sydney again…
sometimes, Paris. That doesn’t even count the places I’ve also generally travelled to for fun or just because, I mean, almost all of my family is in Manila, hundreds of miles away…

I also like all things steampunk and all things geeky. And doritos.

I am also a postgrad student in the obscure field of international politics, which is short-speak for flailing about and throwing words like ‘de-stabilisation’, ‘civil society’ and ‘globalisation’ like frag-grenades in university forums, academic essays and coffee shops.
But mostly I do work and zone out most of the time. Those zoning out moments create posts like these.

But anyway, this is what I look like when I’m at home… please, no love letters:


Actually I look more like this… usually when I’m tired or delirious, which happens often:


Otherwise, I am at work and being an old lady, whinging about young people and their increasing ignorance (uhhh who’s Aslan?) and their daggy fashion (‘like, leggings are so edgy’, [this is not a c.1980’s quote - sad]).

As some previous posts have noted, I love video games and usually have a general rant about them. This is because I fail at real life activity, I am a rubbish sword fighter in real life, my only skill is swimming and running, but I will never be as badass as say, Sephiroth, Lara Croft or Altair. This is because I am not genetically modified, I am not uber rich nor can I, to my great shame, parkour. Also, I failed my Mecha piloting exam so yeah, guess I wont be invading Japan
for their gundams anytime soon.

I will blog about whatever! mostly nerdy stuff though because not all whatever is you know, whatevery enough. I will bitch and moan about games from my very unique lamer-gamer girl experience (which is reeeaaaaallly lame). But I might also talk about completely different
things, like silly walks and my all time favourite make up brand Illamasqua.

So yes, Monty Python, lipsticks and ZELDA.


(CLICK FOR FULLVIEW)
A not so very complete collage about the sort of things that
occasionally flash through my head. Please note – some of the items
here can also be construed as a wish list. Hint, hint
*coughSkullshoescough*.

I have been rather busy these past two months. As per some entries below, you can clearly see that I am really slow at finishing games or slow at posting about them. Also – I like to make steaming piles of craft and attend conventions where I whinge and rant and drink alcohol
on the sly because sometimes, the old lady in me just cannot stand having to listen to rabid fangirls and fanboys yelling very loudly and badly in Japanese.

Warning – I like fanfiction and do like yaoi, just not rabidly.

So yes – I am pretty sure there is more to me than this article implies except that this is pretty much all I can think of when I think of me… cause you know, I don’t really think about me a lot and this particular entry took months (slight exaggeration, maybe) to put together.

So um…. yeah…

For a general gist of the crap that comes from my head, a few catchphrases for the future:

- If Illamasqua make up was edible I would be nourished in complete fabulosity

- Getting the Hots for Altair means I will need to go to the gym more often to keep up…

- Craftification and design whatsits (i.e – T pretends to have talent)

- I’MMA DRAGON MOTHAFUCKA!!!!!!! *do pardon my French*

- GlaDos sounds like my future possible girlfriend, I’d totally go gay for her, is that wrong?

- Santa’s coming! Look busy!

- Resistance for the PSP makes me feel like a complete tool

- Katamari king makes me feel oh so silky

- Why I shouldn’t shop online because then I end up with three pairs of Vivienne Westwood shoes and still want more

- Link is my bro, and Mario is like that uncle at family dinners who always asks you to pull his finger

Ok – I’ve run out of witty things to say. Shoo I tell you – I have Skyrim to play.

Disclaimer: regardless of its constant crashing of my PC – Skyrim will be held responsible for my lack of activity on this blog. Please divert any and all complaints to Bethesda for making an epic, buggy game that I will still persist in playing.

Wednesday, 21 September 2011

It was all so very shiny! - Animania and T'EMPorium's sale

I’m on fire! I’m on fire!! – no, I am joking, its just indigestion.

But bear with me guys because I am sort of on fire with inspiration (*kaching!*) because I just recently attended Animania with my little stall, T’EMPorium!

For a small history of my crafty ventures – you may go here – it’s all very historically accurate and very pompous too.

For the report on my shenanigans (or lack thereof), take a seat, brew a cup and read on, this may take a while. Oh and there are pictures – YEY!

I set up on the Friday before the event because of one particular silly reason; acrylic nails. Yes, my fancy nails would have hampered my set up progress had I decided to set up in the morning ‘cause I’m awful at handling fiddly bits and hat pins when I have long nails... In fact, I stabbed myself several times with clips that Friday evening. Mum also volunteered to help me set up, so I snuck her through Louis (not so sneakily I suppose) and we got cracking.

All in all I think the result was quite nice.

The next morning – as in 6.30 AM IN THE GODFORSAKEN MORNING ON A SATURDAY NO LESS! I gallivanted off to Redfern, I was so friggin exhausted waiting for security to let us through, I had a permanent scowl but managed to say a relatively decent Hi to Alan Chan (epic photographer of note) before staggering to my table, grabbing my two makeup kits and shoes and racing off to the ladies room to gussy up. I think I may have scared all the Maid Café Maid volunteer girls with my arsenal of eyeshadows and impatient grumbling as I tried and failed to glue my feathered fake lashes on. I managed a somewhat decent presentation and hobbled back to my table, blinking like a Victorian parlour lady, hotboxed in an Indian boudoir with a monkey in them idle of summer. Eventually, I trimmed the lashes and kept just the feather extensions, which took about three minutes as opposed to the apocryphal warfare against my eyelids that I had endured in the ladies room. Needless to say, I think I scared my neighbours, the lovely ladies of Void. All they probably heard from me that morning was ‘good morning’ and ‘gargle blah’, ‘fucking eyeball’, and ‘conkers’. They were good sports about it though. *^_^

I want to thank Illamasqua for pretty much making me look considerably more elegant and mysterious than I normally am.

It was an awesome first day! I sold almost everything within the first 3 hours and was relatively surprised that people liked my products. As I looked around I began noticing that my stall looked relatively shabby in comparison to say my neighbours or the layout of epic accessory makers, Curious Empire and Nekochii, who I later got introduced to and found that not only are they excellently talented, they are also excellently friendly people! Dennis, my table helper/volunteer/slave pretty much saved me from eternal numb-ass-ness and was generally awesome to customers throughout the whole day.

Maybe it was the fact that I knew I wasn’t really as professional as some of the vendors, although I did try, putting care guides and business cards (mass printed at the work printer bwahahaha) into the little bags I used to package my products. I also had to resort to my supply of random plastic bags for the hats I sold, so at one point I may have given Kinokuniya and London Duty Free some free publicity.

I met some of the most epic people ever, including re-meeting with old friends like Regine (Jinberry!) and Dexter (hi to Tita Ruth too!). I was incredibly flattered by some guy whose sister bought a necklace from me as he wanted to take my picture, ‘but can we walk over there because there’s this window with great lighting’. I’ve fallen for this trick before, so, like a boss…; I went with him because I was so flattered that anyone would want to take a proper picture of me, with a swanky camera and all. Turns out, he came along with his sister because he didn’t get the whole anime fan subculture and was pleasantly surprised. I hope I did his photos justice cause I can’t really pose for shit.

OH I also met Death, he was adorable and had funny/cheesy jokes about Nokia. It wasn’t Terry Pratchett’s Death but he made do…

I didn’t get to talk to many proper (and I use the word loosely because you cant define it anyway) Lolitas. I felt slightly ashamed at the fact that I could name the prints and brands (or replicas thereof) of some of the dresses, because that’s just really, really lame.

I also got to meet Sharon, who was so incredibly adorable and her boyfriend who was kind enough to take an awesome photo of the two of us together. I wasn’t expecting to really be able to talk much to some people but it was great to meet a Lolita fan who I could talk to about things that were not Lolita related. Sharon is an immensely talented designer and makes some of the most beautiful metalwork and jewellery ever. (Yes you do!!).

I also got to talk to a really sweet girl from a nearby stand (sorry I forgot your name! ;_;) who had the most EPIC MARIO JUMPERSKIRT DRESS OH MY GOD I WANTED IT SO BADLY.

I also had the privilege of being able to chat to Jen from Curious Empire and Amanda and Kit from Nekochii. Jen’s stuff pretty much blew me out of the water and her little table of trinkets and STEAMPUNK stuff pretty much made me feel a little inadequate about my own stuff that I make. But no matter, talking to her was inspiring because she is clearly passionate about her art and talking to them all, even if it made me feel like a bug in terms of the awesomeness of their products, really inspired me.

Day 2 was sloooooooow, I was exhausted and I had thought I had lost my camera the night before. I was a blubbering mess of guilt and blubberiness, sobbing about how I may have hated my pink camera but damnit it was my camera and it had photos of cats in it and all that…

Turns out… I had left it on the table the night before. Stupid me.

I went for the colour route as my black BTSSB dress was pretty uninspiring and went all out using the most epic makeup ever; Geek Chic Cosmetics.


I wore two tone lipstick using a lippie in shiny minty acqua which I had requested GCC to make because I love green lipstick. They asked me what I would name such an awesome lipstick and I offered up two names (among others); Toxic Unicorn and Bulma Briefs. To my great awe and honor, they made two green lippies for both, Toxic Unicorn was a more limey green and Bulma Briefs was well, exactly the colour of her hair in most BDZ episodes (I had hoped that since I helped name them, I would get free samples, but meh, I hauled them in with a massive buy anyway). I paired it with my Fantasy Pink from Givenchy and topped all that silliness off with a giant strawberry on my head. Dennis however, beat me to it with an EPIC Gloomy Bear Cosplay.

Eventually, I decided to go on a pathetic desperate sale because all I could think of was that I had to drag my heavy suitcase back to parra and didn’t want to carry anymore. I think there were about two things left before I called it quits and thus began my AFTERNOON SHOPPING SPREE!!!!

I paid a visit to Andrias over at Poporetto. He and his sister were my table neighbours last year and were still as adorable and awesome as last year, with his sister making the CUTEST TOTORO CAKE POPS WHICH I COULDN’T BUY BECAUSE THEY SOLD OUT WAAAAAAAAH!

But I did get a neat stash of comics, and a few free badges.

I also traded a steampunk decorated notebook with Chung from Void for some adorable bookmarks (I’m using them now!!). I also gave away my last keychains for free, and got a keychain in return from Kit of Nekochii (even though I had already bought one, but two is better than one). My keychains were drawn by the ridiculously talented Tepai Pascual by the way, who needs far more publicity than I can give. But yeah – check her work out because it will blow your breeches off.

I also went insane trying to buy things at Curious Empire, but settled for scents and a necklace made entirely out of win. Aaaand, I got the bestest sleeping mask evar from Amanda.


My stash was pretty damn epic – I was a happy camper.

All in all, I had an excellent weekend, I made a great profit and am filled with warm fuzzy feelings about the fact that people liked my products and bought a lot of them. All those cut fingers, burns from hot glue guns, giant open stab wounds caused by blunt instruments like pliers and eye hook wires and stupid unmanageable silicon whipped cream were all worth it in the end.

Above all, I made some great new friends who, even if after the excitement, might never see or talk to again, it was still worth it because I am always pretty much all lit up with glee like a Christmas tree when I meet new people who laugh at my really bad jokes.

Thank you for everything guys and I hope to keep in touch with you all. And thanks for the epic loot… people give my work cubicle funny looks now because its covered in anime merchandise… so much for serious legal workplace.

I HEART YOU ALL!!

P.S – cosplay was pretty good I admit, there weren’t that many eyesores…

see...?


Thursday, 18 August 2011

Lamer Gamer fails at computer romance - Review of Fable 3

Uuuuhhhh - ok, so this is a SECOND game review post that no one really cares about to be honest. But in my fantasy world, my over inflated ego likes to think that someone out there actually cares about my really boring decision making in Peter Molyneux's latest and probably not so greatest.

There's a pic of my avi, and yes, it's a she.



Scars and Magic Leylines are the hip thing when combined with Steampunk/Victorianesque Corn Rows baby

I was mildly interested in Fable because the trailers made it look steampunky and very, very cockney. That and the pretty impressive cast of voice actors (God's own Stephen Fry is Reaver! I mean... of course he is! how lascivious). An interesting note is that Ben Kingsley plays the voice of Sabine, who is, thankfully, a guy... but he sounds Welsh... hmm.

Anyway.

Installing Fable 3 was like running a techy gauntlet of Doom. My computer is fairly new, one of those new-fangled touch screen all-in-one PCs with a Pentium i5 and a pretty impressive NVIDIA graphics chip with the latest driver already humming. And yet, nothing. Installing it was pretty impossible, it would freeze at 57% extraction and stay that way for hours and once, in my stupid ass desperation... days.


Ahahaaaa... oh hell no...

I took the game back, exchanged it, and had the same result. Eventually I trawled Lionhead's forums to find that a huge bunch of folks were having the exact same problem.

Solution - copy pasta is your friend; if you have the patience and the hard drive capacity.
Eventually, I had to go through some convoluted loop around method of Installing Windows Live, copy-pasting files from disk to drive, fixing compatibility, running as admin and doing the drag and drop game.

The result? MY Window Live ID - Sparsebracelet1.
I think its quite catchy... and thankfully gender neutral... sort of.

Finally, the game started, after a hiccup or two of not remembering my first game... but that's ok... I am...sort of infinitely patient - or infinitely stupid for hanging on for so long.

You play the younger Sibling prince/princess of King Logan (one part Debonair, two parts megalomaniac and a quarter part creepy and secretly, half part sexy), successor to your father's throne, who is also incidentally, the previous Hero from Fable 2. So, oddly enough there is an assumption that the only real canon hero from Fable is a male one... well, harrumphf.



Ok - so he isn't that appealing - but power and shiny purple velvet with armour just gets to me

Your tale begins as you wake up in your royal quarters, sleeping rather uncomfortably for a polygon, next to your faithful companion dog, who I aptly named Poopee (shut up). Your first game shaping decision as you wake to your loyal butler's (voiced by JOHN CLEESE GUYS!!!!)command is to pick an outfit with which to gallivant with for the day.

This is some serious business.

After your cocky big brother gets all paranoid about traitors among the workers and among palace officials, he forces you to decide on killing a group of protesters or your democratically leaning sweetheart. Kindly enough, my beau offered himself... sort of. I really ought to find out what happens If I let the rabble die and save my hunk - apparently he still gets killed... but whatever.

After this injustice your butler, Jasper, but lets call him Jives (like chives, not Jeeves cause that's boring), and an old fellow who used to be your Hero/King/Father's right hand guy take you to a crypt where you discover that you have inherited Dad's magical hero powers and the ability to dig the grotty stuff your dog finds (sans used condoms). However, you will need to progress along the game to gain XP to soup up your powers and weapons as well as learn to fart, bake a pie and propose to people.

I suppose its because all you know is etiquette and flower arrangement or something.

The game progresses through the first main plot line - gather enough supporters (by fulfilling story related quests) in order to overthrow your brother and take power, all the while developing your own reputation as some sort of horny devil, chicken kicker or capitalistic entrepeneur. Depending on some of the very black and white choices you make - you gain fame for either being outright evil or being outright good. There is little in the game that allows you to make creatively neutral choices - the bad choices are ringed in fire and the good ones in a white halo.. I mean...seriously? I am a very ambivalent person, is there no 'meh' choice?

This may be part of the positive or negative side of the game. The choices you make are so very one or the other - but it may well be that your choices heavily impact the feel and layout of the game in the future.

For example - if you decide to send financial aid to the Aurorans to rebuild their city and thus fulfilling your promise, you gain another vibrant town to trade and explore. If you dont (and I haven't made this decision so far with the character iIve played), then the place becomes a mine, plagued by the darkness that invaded the city the first time you visited it.

The second part of the main plot consists of you keeping, or breaking the promises you made to the allies you made in order to take the throne as well as: Dun DUn DUN! twist!

Turns out - your evil big bro was only a douche cause he was trying to prepare the treasury and his army for this totally evil invasion of dark stuff aptly called - the Darkness. But they dont sing and wear glittery spandex jumpsuits like the band, so they're not cool.

Anyway, its all very - 'What will you do now? Build a school, or earn revenue by building a brothel instead?' - very, you know - typical policy making crap.

I assure you, I have not spoiled a single thing, each individual quest in game is its own story and depending on the choices you make you may end up with a differently tinged or coloured ending, even if in the end, you essentially (almost, kind of) get the same result... sort of.

Mind you - it is actually a hell of a lot more challenging to take the 'good' path, simply because eventually - it appears that taking the easy and evil choices simply makes the game easy for you, despite the fact that every character hates you. But then, what do you care if Hannah, the heavily breasted house wife thinks you're scum? its not like you were going to sleep with her... were you?

Social interaction is the name of the game. But its really lame interaction. Everyone has to have some sort of talkative opinion of you. For extra XP - you can always perform a small delivery quest for someone and it will eventually guarantee that the person will befriend you and then, after a few more quests - fall ragingly in love with you (after one date too, they're so easy!).

In any case, the people of Albion are fickle and also alcoholic (as evidenced by my policy of making booze cheap - rendering EVERYONE in bowerstone over the drinking age into staggering, puking lumps).

Policy/social decisions aren't really all that dynamic, they merely affect the way people perceive you, but dont, in much way actually help in the Kingdom's defence or economy. One example was the building of said school - I figured that there would have been some clever result that more educated people meant better quality weapons or something. Turns out, my soldiers were still dumbasses and not one of my citizens even lifted a finger to begin a people's defence or militia. You know, to help me out cause they know how hard I've been working these past few days and such.

Fucking ingrates... I should have been stereotypically evil... and maybe gone to bed with Reaver (even though you cant).

I haven't even talked about the combat system yet haven't I? Ok - here is my synopsis.... left click (attack) right click hold (to power up/focus).
Pretty complex stuff right? Yeah - one of the most sophisticated fight systems out there - eat that Final Fatasy XIII... yeah.

Killing the generic assortment of hollow men, sand banshees, robot funky things and mercenaries and it ends up being a clickfest that my poor fingernails did not appreciate.



Using the power of your left click - you too can engage in interpretative dance

Dying only meant that I lost a few XP points, and gained a few character building scars (although Hannah, my buxom wife thought that maybe I ought to to take care of myself... its not that iIm ugly though, its just... [yeah - her actual words man], that stung Hannah...).

But that's really it. As you progress along the 'Road to Rule' a metaphorical road that charts your progress along the game, you encounter treasure chests that give you weapon power up, career advancements such as baking pies, and baking better pies, or singing on a lute, and, most importantly; expression packs. Yes - you need to gain XP to learn to fart, bully little children and grope not so good looking citizens.

There are a decent amount of side quests, mainly revolving around collecting a certain amount of things from around Albion; the best one being the Gnome killing quest. This particular side quest goes along the same lines as the gargoyle shooting quest from the last Fable game, where stone gargoyles will mock you as you walk by until you smash them into silence; this time, you're smashing extremely rude lawn ornaments. Their comments are also gender based too, one of my favourite insults was - "Oh a lady! Are you lost? want me to show you to the kitchen?" - evil man, just evil...


The dialog is probably one of the best scripted game dialog I have had the great honour to hear, or maybe I'm just a sucker for anything in assorted English accents. I especially loved a part where your old weapons master, Walter, suddenly just yells out 'BAAAAALLLLLSS!' - it leaves me with a warm feeling to know that I'm not the only person who still talks like that.

Interesting to note though- Reaver, the smarmy and somewhat sleazy character played by Stephen Fry is apparently also from Fable 2, but I cant remember it very well. Oh and the spiral tower from the ending of Fable 2 can also be seen across the Horizon in some areas of the Kingdom. Interesting? sort of.
Demon Doors are still there, talkative, slightly funny - but BEAUTIFULLY rendered and their interiors are just as magnificent to behold. You can also still buy real estate and shops and make a decent profit from rent and sales but I always ended up forgetting what I bought, thus leaving a lot of my estates to languish in disrepair.



The real estate around here has potential... but it needs more steampunk


I haven't played this on online multiplayer, I can't really fathom how it can be in any way entertaining other than for opening one single demon door and killing assorted baddies. Unless you're really lonely - but I've never really felt the need since I have my faithful AI dog to bark and cuddle when I feel like it.

All in all - it is an OK game. But considering the frigging grief about technical issues and the extremely boring combat system; I wouldn't reccomend it to gamers who like meaty RPGs. This is a game for chuckles and in my case, corporate capitalism (I have yet to make a character that sleeps with everyone and has to support a million babies).

Peter Molyneux's heart was in the right place, but more than half of his intentions with this game really didn't pan out. Being good in this game was only challenging because if I wanted to be bad - I can easily go play something else.

Wednesday, 27 July 2011

I ought to sue Square Enix for damages - review of Crisis Core

Ok - so old game is old. But I have noticed that Crisis Core is only known to the core fans of the FF7 franchise, which is odd. Its an excellent game (sort of) and the story line, frankly, is a gazillion times better than the original FF7.

But first - I warn you, spoilers. But then, who cares, the FF7 story can be summed up this way without spoiling the game experience:

1. Super Soldier Babies are grown from petri dishes

2. Zack

3. Zack is totally besties with Super Soldier Baby #2, Meanwhile Super Soldier Baby #1 is feeling lonely and awkward and SSB #3 has chucked a hissy fit

4. SSB #2 and #3 die, leaving SSB #1 confused and angry

5. Zack meets Aerith, there is a lot of cuteness

6. SSB #1 gets mad and throws a tantrum of epic proportions and burns a village down

7. Zack is stuck with the shitstorm aftermath with a derpy blond

8. Zack dies (MASSIVE SPOILER! too bad!)

9. Derpy blond picks up where Zack left off and does a pretty crap job of it

10. Derpy blond fights SSB a few times until the overdose of emo tips over into a semi decent ending. Oh and SSB has like, pretty clones...

11. Vincent - with guns (and mild pedophilia, but only if you squint or are so inclined).

But back to the review. Crisis Core for the PSP.

You play Zack fair, SOLDIER second class, hero aspirant and mentee to SOLDIER second class; Angeal Hewley.

If it were yaoi it might be wincest, right? sort of? no?

Zack is generally outgoing and funny. He is likeable almost instantly, even though he is relatively thick headed. He is a much more wholesome and generally more fleshed out character than Cloud Strife is and ever was. Be it because of the way Cloud later becomes the main protagonist or Square's weird way of doing things, Zack becomes the legitimate main hero of FF7. The force of his personality, his ease of playability and general awesomeness make Cloud seem like an afterthought that Square created since they couldn't use Zack anymore.











You can tell Zack is a big boy now because he fixed his hair and looks at the sky alot, a sign of maturity.


An interesting feature about the game is the relatively flexible real time combat system.

While on a mission, which you can select by accessing your PHS menu, you are transported to your level and more or less have free reign to run around the area until you start encountering (randomly) monsters for you to kill. From there, you Activate Combat Mode, a seamless transition from running to being locked into a set area for you to fight baddies in. Once in Combat mode you scroll using your L and R wing buttons for your moves which are found on the bottom right of the screen and spam your x button and ocassionaly manouvre away from attacks by rolling with your [] button.

The DMV - Zack likes to think dirty thoughts about his friends, it powers him up....

Unlike FF7 and other FF combat sytems, Zack does not gain XP to pull off complex moves (i.e. limit breaks) or level up. Rather, the combat system makes use of the DMW (digital Mind Wave). It basically resembles a pokies slot machine that combines the images of different game characters together along with numeric values that will, if combined favourably will determine the strength of your 'limit break' move or whether your character or to a lesser extent, your materia get power ups.

Its not the best system, but you are ensured to level up almost consistently with every battle or mission.

The game progressed on two levels, the story line with its ever so tragic plot and the missions.

Missions were predominatly there for Zack to gain XP, level up and gain new items. It may even be possible to complete the game (if not very slowly) without ever doing missions. I managed to finish the game by postponing the storyline and focusing on missions. By the time I finished the game entirely, Zack was so souped-up on materia and levels that even beating Sephiroth was a walk in the park.

The cutscenes, for when you managed a Summon on the DMV were impressive as hell. Even though you could opt out of watching them, I tended to do so simply to admire the sheer technical excellence in the graphics as a really, really, really souped up and not very viking looking Odin charging down a cliff on a hugely muscular (but overweight looking) Sleipnir and slicing you neatly in half with his not so vikingly named Zantetsuken.

Squeenix has put in a lot of effort into making things look preposterously perfect and pretty. Pity they didn't save some of that effort for the script.

Ok - so... the story... I am hesitant to actually review the story as much as pretty much rant about the sheer emotional damage the story has caused me.

Zack, being the character with which you see the FF7 world through, does have to seem kind of stupid; that way, NPCs can tell him about stuff and you learn through him. But in terms of story telling, it pretty much makes him the biggest idiot ever.

It really, really, sucks because of all the characters in FF7, Zack truly had/has the potential to be the catalyst who could have changed the game forever.

But since this is a prequel, we are pulled along the relentless current of sad events that inevitably lead to Sephiroth's downfall and later, to the death of the most awesome character quare Enix has had the elightenment to make.

Zack has a strong, friendly and mentor/mentee relationship with Angeal, who teaches him the value of honor and valor and is generally a big bro (they even look alike) with a giant sword and the amiability of a teddy bear. He's pretty damn hot for a beefcake too.

Genesis is Angeal's childhood friend (or sweetheart for preference) who is slowly going loopy from reading too much bad literature and a deteriorating disease. He goes missing and basically you're charged with working out what the hell is wrong with this drama queen. I know he is based on Gackt, but that doesnt excuse any of his ridiculous behaviour. I haven o idea why Squeenix though it would be really bool for him to be obsessed with poetry and to be so very pretty to the point where you see that even his lashes have been painstakingly CG-ed as much as his sword was.

Sephiroth is... well.... let me get back to him later.

He's just so ronery.... ;_;

The story leads to a confuddling tale of lies and secrets that Zack never seems to work out for himself and is compeltely helpless and incapable of preventing the catastrophe that sets everything in motion for the main FF7 game.

Angeal eventually also goes missing in order to help Genesis which also leaves Sephiroth, their supposed best bud, in the dark about their whereabouts and in the dark about all the gruesome discoveries they make about their origins.

So I think, after all this winding about; I have concluded that the whole sad reason why all this preposterous shit happens in the FF7 world is because there are three obviously tough maley male guys who are unable to communicate with each other. That's it.

Here is how the story should have gone:

Genesis, Angeal and Sephiroth are having one of those 'friend' moments where they're just standing about gazing into the distance or looking pensive while Genesis blabs really, really bad poetry (written by some weirdo in the accouns department of Squeenix i bet).

Genesis: hey guys, I've been feeling a bit weird lately, the goddess has totally dumped me and all i feel is suffering, gloom and doom - but nothing shall forestall my return and such...
Angeal: I shall find a way to help you, because my honor dictates it so. But also cause I've been feeling a bit weird too.
Sephiroth: I'm pretty awesome, and pretty smart, and pretty. But i havent been feeling weird, can I halp?
Genesis: Damnit, yes.
Angeal: yes, because you are our friend.
Sephiroth: Really? you're my friends?
Genesis: Duh, you socially inept yet lonely and shy beefcake. In fact, my feelings of rivalry towards you are fueled by my admiration and somewhat latent homosexual attraction to you.
Angeal: and you have a big sword, like me and Gen, dudes gotta stick together when you have big swords.
Sephiroth: I AM LOVED!!!! life is not so gloomy after all...

and they all lived happily ever after, well, after they worked out that Hollander and Hojo pretty much are a bunch of evil twats and killed them, but only after fixing Genesis and Angeal.

Then the sequel could have gone like this:

Genesis: Hey Seph, turns out Hojo and your mum, who is actually a human and not Jenova were complete asshat parents to you and experimented on you with the DNA of a freaky alien. But that's cool cause now you have silver hair and that makes you totally hot.
Angeal: that was dishonourable, would you like a hug?
Sephiroth: I'VE NEVER BEEN HUGGED BEFORE *cue emotional music*
Zack: Yeeeeeeeeey look what I found *holds Cloud Strife up for inspection*
Genesis: awww, he's just precious.
Angeal: my honour fails me, he is cute, i want to do stuff to him involving warm hugs and possibly hot chocolate.
Sephiroth: i have these strange unfamiliar feelings of soft, numminess - I feel awkward.

And yeah.... that last part may have been my imagination.

But my point is. Things could have gone way better if Zack had properly applied himself or rather, if Squeenix had really made Zack the hero of the whole franchise.

Instead we sit there thinking - 'Noooooo, Zack! Do something, you can do it!' but Zack never does.

The story is the world's worst trainwreck, and we are made to endure every second of it because Zack is pretty funky when he does his twister assault.

The only bright spots in the plot are his meeting with Aerith and Cloud for the first time (including extremely good soundtrack music).

Aerith wasn't really my fave character, she seemed very 'meh' to me in the original game. I preferred Tifa at the time. But Crisis Core put her in perspective for me and finally, after watching all these fanboys try, and try again to save sweet Aerith in FF7 from her inevitable doom, I now know why.
They were in love; and now, so am I.

Aerith is so sweet, from her voice, to her CG animation to everything. She is not clyingly sweet, nor is she pathetic. She's just this wonderful little thing that you have the good luck of stumbling over and have in your life.

I was nearly in tears by the end of the game when Zack's receives her letter, telling him she had written around 80 more for him to read.

Cloud is so cute. Its ridiculous, I was grinning like an idiot when he first appeared. He was smiling and laughing and was generally goofy and adorable and I was like; this weak streak of piss is way better than the Emo streak of piss he ends up becoming, but at least he can breed chocobos.

This game was emotionally heavy. If it could get an Oscar for best drama, the last 20 minutes of the game would have been the winning scene.

I was also touched by Zack's emotional fragility as the game progressed. It was really painful to see him crying his eyes out after Angeal's death.

By the final showdown - I was bawling. Really - I was sobbing loudly and blubbering through my nose in those final moments of the game. I remained subdued for the rest of the night after finishing the game; quiet and morose until I went to sleep, hoping it was some sort of a bad dream.

Yeah, so... can you tell this is my favourite Final Fantasy? Can you see why this entry is really really long??

The odd thing about this game is Sephiroth. And this is where my brows and panties get all bunched up because while it gives a background to one of gaming's greatest villains, it also leaves me extremely unsatisfied with regards to his personality.

Crisis Core-Sephiroth is genuinely nice. He is awkward, not good at socialising, but he clearly is somewhat caring, as seen from the time he felt bad that he couldnt help Genesis. He loses weight with worry over Angeal and Genesis, and Angeal notices. He hates Hojo and thinks Zack is an ok guy. He's a bit of a loser, but he's actually nice.

So that just makes watching him go bananas and pretty much go killy billy on everything that much harder. And makes the tragedy deeper.

Sephiroth could have been helped, but the people who he considered his friends totally abandoned him, and Zack was pretty lame at cheering him up.

Square Eenix ought to be sued for this traumatising game.

I have already drawn up a Statement of Claim for emotional damages; in it I demand the following things:

  • Deny the existence of Advent Children

  • Fire the dude who invented Genesis and maybe kill Gackt (the person whom Genesis is modelled after)

  • A large plushie of Angeal

  • Lots of doritos

  • A puppy, and he'll be called Zack

  • A breast reduction for tifa if she appears in any more games

  • More doritos.


  • I may add more to the list, and you can all feel free to add something. I have a really good lawyer and i am feeling pretty good about the Court case. I have plenty of evidence and about a terrabyte of fanfiction to prove my case.

    Thursday, 9 June 2011

    The official transcript of God's Judgement of Osama Bin Laden

    So like, my homegirl, Mary, brought her iPhone to the event and got me this recording that she snuck under her mantle. Couldn't translate all of it on account of the BOSS' voice and presence being all super duper and all... but I did the best I could. I bet you the jokes were way funnier.
    Gabriel: Hey Mick, D’you see who just got brought in?

    Michael: Do I ever, I was the one who fished his soul out of the water. Tell you what though, it sure was hard beating them wandering infernal creatures back with a flaming sword. I gotta go bring her in for repairs now.

    Gabriel: wandering infernal creatures?

    Mich: Yeah – they were everywhere you know, getting all excited that their number one idol had the good grace of being dropped into their domain. I non blasphemously swear to you that it felt like I was fending off a bunch of 13 year old girls at a Justin Bieber concert.

    Gab: Dude, I feel for you. As soon as the bullet cracked through the temporal bone of his skull, The BOSS immediately told me to hand deliver a memo to cousin Luc down stairs for a hold on the DSCP (Damned Soul Collection Procedure) and told him to bring him up for a board meeting stat.
    Man, you should have seen Luc’s face when he read that, he looked like a kicked puppy. Can’t believe after all those millennia spent down there he is still so cute. I nearly fell for it.

    Mich: Ha ha. That’s Luc for you. Kinda have to feel a bit sorry for him though. These past few years with all this fear and terror going about, you’d think he was enjoying it.

    Gab: Yeah, he told me that more innocents were going to heaven than the guilty to Hell and he was having a hard time filling his quota, I also hear that he wasn’t actually –

    Mich: Shhh, they’re coming into the Court of Divine Judgement now. Oh yeah, there’s Luc. Heya Cuz!

    Lucifer: ‘Sup Micky. Ain’t seen you for a few centuries, you up for a spar after the meeting?

    Mich: Gotta check my schedule, I don’t wanna have to warm up and then find out the Holy War was a prank, like last time. *eyeballs Lucifer*

    Luc: Yeah, sorry about that. Thought it was a good idea at the time. It’s just that the Dark Ages were so boring.

    Gabriel: Yeah, we saw how much fun you were having with the Inquisition too. All we got was procedural chaos, all these crusaders invoking our names incorrectly.

    Raziel: Shut up guys, the meeting’s about to start.

    Raphael: *Sits down next to Raziel* Sorry, I went to get some popcorn, you want some?

    *remaining angels shuffle into place. Other snacks and beverages are distributed*

    The Metatron: All stand and sing the highest of praises; be exultant and joyous; avert thine eyes (and multiple eyes thereof) and bow for the greatest, purest and mightiest of blessings. For The One, The Only, the Great Mother, The Almighty Lord, The Host of Hosts, The Giver of Life, Maker of the Universe, The All Compassionate, the –

    The BOSS: I think that’s enough now Met Dear. Your brothers and sisters and other such siblings get the picture.

    Metatron: But –

    BOSS: No, really, I want to get started already, been waiting for this day for quite some time. Now go sit down, I don’t think I’ll be needing you to speak for Me for the rest of the hearing. Now, bring him in.

    *murmurs as the soul of Osama Bin Laden is ushered in and sat down in front of The BOSS’s Desk*

    *Bin Laden looks around, slightly dazed in the presence of The BOSS*

    Bin Laden: *mumbling to himself* This must be where I get to claim my black eyed virgins, with like, a coupon or something.

    BOSS: Well, do you have anything to say for yourself boy?

    Bin Laden: *prostrates himself on the floor* My Lord! I have martyred myself to your glory at last!

    BOSS: More like you finally cocked up. If you will pardon My Babylonian.

    Bin Laden: But Oh Merciful Lord-

    BOSS: Stop that! stop that! Merciful My shiny back side. Right now I Am all but.

    Bin Laden: My Lord, I know that I am a sinner, but please remember my works were done in your name.

    BOSS: Oh do stop it. You know what I hate more than people always grovelling? It’s this blatant unsanctioned reproduction, use and copying of My name in unauthorised acts. All these ‘martyrs’ killing all these people and themselves with My name in their heart and lips and all they get is a wallop of hellfire and brimstone. I can tell you, they certainly did not end up where they expected themselves to be.

    Bin Laden: But Lord –

    Michael: *stands up interrupting* You Swine! You have no right to even speak to the All Beloved in such a manner!

    BOSS: All right, all right, calm down everyone, that was very sweet Mike dear, but don’t you ever insult pigs like that again, you hear Me? I Am the one conducting this interview thank you very much.

    *Michael sits back down, looking sheepish*

    BOSS: But you young man *points to Bin Laden*, can call Me… Mistress.

    Bin Laden: Mistress O Lord?

    BOSS: Yes, Mistress. Don’t give Me that look. Unlike you, I Am perfectly universal.

    Bin Laden: Yes… Mistress

    BOSS: Sticks to the back of your throat eh? That’s not the first thing you have completely misunderstood about Me.

    Bin Laden: I have only ever done what your Divine Word has demanded of me and the rest of the world.

    BOSS: And what is that pray tell?

    Bin Laden: Exult your name, unify the Islamic world, punish the heretics, cleanse the planet of the Western Satanic Taint!

    BOSS: Well, I daresay you have not done a very good job of it.

    Bin Laden: My Lord! er… Mistress!

    BOSS: No, I have had enough! You listen here. You see this! *waves a fat manila folder in the air*, we had to make this just for you, and this is only one of them! There are followers of yours too, who are taking up whole shelves in Accounts. None of the admins wanted to work on you. They said you were a bureaucratic, dogmatic, philosophical, psychological and spiritual nightmare. I sent this file to Hell and even Luc here couldn’t make head or tails of what you were on about.

    *Lucifer shrugs*

    BOSS: You dare declare a holy war?! Without My endorsement, nor without even so much as asking? Do you know how annoying that was for Michael to start dismantling all our End Of Days Alerts? I had to manually shut them all down in the end. No one among the Thrones and The Amesha Spentas were willing to start suiting up for a war in the first place. And I would be pretty not-damned if I had to pull them out of retirement just to get them to fight on behalf of your sorry little…bottom.

    Bin Laden: So, you were not fighting our war?

    BOSS: Of course not! I wasn’t on your side, or anyone else’s for that matter! My gracious hand did not hover over you and I certainly Am not, I repeat AM NOT pleased with your blanket statements regarding your fellow sinners, the Americans, or Europeans, or the Saudi Royal Family or the rest of the corrupt and sinful world.
    Since when did I ever start playing favourites when I created every. single. last. one. of. you. in. My. image?

    Bin Laden: But I thought-

    BOSS: Thought what? I’d be happy? Happy?! With the wholesale murder of My creations? Did you think I would agree with you? That all men, women and children are as much fair game as any other? Did I not say that; where is that piece of paper? Did I not say unto Moses as he called upon Me upon the Holy Mount of Sinai - (that’s not it, *riffles papers* ah, here it is, stuck to the communiqué from Job) – ahem, ONE: THOU SHALT NOT KILL and so on and so forth. There is a perfectly not-damned good reason I put that on to the top of the list you know. And no one obeys it!

    Bin Laden: But so many of your children have been killed by the heretics and the non-believers, they too have sinned!

    BOSS: Don’t tell Me what I already know, I Am sparklingly omnipotent! And I shall judge them all accordingly, in their errors, in their blasphemies and in their corruption. But here is the news flash. It is for ME to decide humanity’s fate, not yours!

    Urgh, that’s what really drives me up the wall. My Oath – the assumption that I Am some gung-ho, lightning and thunder, strike thee down with great and mighty vengeance type all the time. I don’t decide to create a universe with a trillion, billion million stars and planets only to go around stomping on My creations cause I’m a prissy deity. Gautama, didn’t we discuss this last week? Am I a violent and prissy deity?

    Gautama: Of course not your Everything-ness, you are all compassionate. In your infinite and unnamable, unattainable, and indescribable forms etc and all that.

    BOSS: Right. But I haven’t brought you here just because you orchestrated the deaths of thousands of my children. It isn’t just for 9/11, that was the tip of the ice-berg, you have indirectly contributed to the murders of so many of my own in Iraq, in Afghanistan, Pakistan, Kenya, the Philippines, Indonesia, Spain, Morroco, look, the list keeps getting longer and longer. You’ve even had a hand in deaths in Russia and China, possibly even Colombia. You’re a quite busy boy I tell you.

    Soldiers, fighting in battles and wars that shouldn’t have begun, mothers weeping for their fallen children, boys and girls being sent to their deaths in the name of an idea that you have made take root in the minds and hearts of every breathing being, Terror. You have made killers out of the righteous and turned the righteous into monsters and it is going to take more than you leaving that earthly plane to fix this mess you’ve created.

    But that isn’t the only reason I wanted to have a word with you, son.

    Do you know how many minds you’ve poisoned? How many people who have become deaf to Me? How many people you have painted over with so much hate that I Am so scared that I can never reach them and bring them home? They speak My words, from the Torah, the Koran, the Bible and they turn them into weapons, and suddenly everything that I Am is used to hurt and maim your fellow humans. Uriel was crying for months! Look at his eyes, they’re still puffy.

    Uriel: *Sniffs*

    BOSS: You have single handedly destroyed the reputation of one of My youngest monotheisms within the span of just a few hours. And on top of that, you have opened old wounds among so many of the other religions. I have no idea how My children will even be able to fix this. So many people insulted and judged because of their beliefs. Beliefs I tell you that are the same as any other!

    Do you know how hard I have worked to manifest myself to my children, in my many faces, in my millions of forms? And here you are making everyone hate each other because the truth to you is not the truth to others?

    Bin Laden: But they were Blaspheming! They were not worthy of your regard oh Lor-Mistress, they could not see your Might and Power, they were disobeying you! I could not stand by and do nothing, they deserved to be punished!

    BOSS: There he goes again, insulting my good honour, do you see it Gab? I mean, you were there, I gave you the instruction, When I spake unto Mohammed (blessed be his name) about My works and glory did I tell him that he had free reign to start killing willy nilly everyone else who disagreed with him?

    Gabriel: Nope, I mean, there was the whole, ‘I Am the one and only, this is the true faith and one must spread it and defend it’ etc etc, I think I have transcript if you like -

    BOSS: Never mind the transcript, I remember everything perfectly. But yes. See, this is how I showed Myself to him and unto you and your brethren. And Yes, I AM MIGHTY, and Yes, I Am powerful, and yes, I can smite whoever I not-damn well please if they well and truly get Me all aflame with heavenly rage.

    I DO NOT SANCTION VIOLENCE DONE IN MY NAME, LET ALONE VIOLENCE IN GENERAL! Any incidence where it is said that I have done so is incorrect and I will have them for slander. Remember what I said to Moses? Oh we mentioned it already? right.

    Bin Laden: But you are the Destroyer, the Bringer of Death to the unbeliever!

    BOSS: Ooh, he’s doing it again, My infinite patience is becoming mortally finite with you young man!

    Don’t you dare use My 99 Holy Names against me, Islam may quote those 99 names but you well know My names are infinite! Do you remember the top two? Because like the Ten Commandments there is a not-damn good reason why certain things are on the top of these lists you mortals so love making. Can you recite my first two names?

    Bin Laden: *mumbles*

    BOSS: Speak up boy!

    Bin Laden: The Exceedingly Compassionate, The Exceedingly Merciful…

    BOSS: that’s right, and do you remember number five?

    Bin Laden: The Peace, The Source of Peace and Safety.

    BOSS: Correct, and let’s not forget number 45, The Vast, All-Embracing and Boundless, something your tiny mind cannot even begin to comprehend. And let’s not forget 32, the Forebearing and Indulgent.

    Did you really think that I Am not as displeased of My other children as you were? With all their injustice and cruelty to their fellows and the rest of My creation? I Am aware of My children’s sins and I shall judge them accordingly when the time comes

    Don’t you ever dare assume you know My ways and My heart, you and the rest of your fundamentalist compatriots. And I Am not just talking about Islamic Fundamentalism. You and the rest of them, the Christian Fundamentalists, Jewish ones, heck, there’s Hindu and Pagan ones too you know, all sorts of Fundamentalists crawling out of the woodwork. Fanatics, all the same. They take my words and use them to inspire fear and intolerance like that was my only purpose in my eternal life.

    Between the folks who think that I Am so PETTY that I’d send My child to burn in hell just because they are attracted to someone of the same sex or gender, or those people who think that I would mass murder swathes of people using a natural disaster as some sort of perverse, divine punishment (I told you I wouldn’t do it again, I keep My promises).

    You and your kind, taking my holy books and waving them like battle banners rather than using them to teach and learn, so full of so much narrow-mindedness and arrogance to think that My Perfect Heart would have room to hate.

    Yes, I Am the Bringer of Death (61), because I Am the Giver of Life (60), and I Abase (22) as much as I Exult (23). But remember this, I may be the Judge (28) – but I Am NOT Judgemental. I may be Terrible in my Might and Fury, but I Am NOT malicious, and I Am never, never, never unkind.

    Bin Laden: It was Satan then! He misguided me! Oh Mistress it is his fault!

    Luc: *raises hands* Hey, don’t look at me! Much to my great and sulphurous chagrin, you were a total freebie, I did not lift a finger to turn you, yo. All that crazy you came up with yourself. Too much zeal I reckon, with a touch of sociopathy, which miiiight have been me, a bit.

    BOSS: I know Luc, stay out of it, let Me deal with him.

    Luc: Sorry BOSS

    Bin Laden: But I was murdered Mistress! You saw how they did away with me! How they just tossed me away with no respect – you can at least give me that.

    BOSS: Yes, I saw, and let Me tell you I am not entirely happy about how that went about, and I will be having words with someone eventually. But truth will out – I made humans capable of thinking freely didn’t I? You can see how people are reacting already. And, I think I’ve said it before, they too, shall get their time before Me to explain their actions.

    But that gives you no excuse for your sad and tragic life. So much I gave you! So much! And what do you do? You spread this, this, DISEASE all around the world. So much ignorance, so many people getting so many misguided ideas about all sorts of things. Do you know how appalled I was during the slavery years, or even Apartheid? And it still happens today, why couldn’t you do something about that? Do you know how…? - what is that terrible term young people are using, making themselves look more moronic and illiterate with each use?

    Gab: er WTF BOSS?

    BOSS: That’s the one, awful, really. I grant them gifts of song and speech, and what do they do? Make acronyms. Do they even realise how complex I made those vocal chords to be? Anyway, yes…

    WTF! Do you know how WTF I was when all these ignoramus started running around victimising people who wore turbans or head covers. I mean, really? REALLY? I have no idea where they get these ideas from. Luc, whatever it is that you did there, its working amazingly well because I have never seen so much senseless prejudice. I mean; skin tone? Really? That bothers people? Would you prefer I made you all grey? What about religious beliefs? Its all going back to Me anyway. Personal opinion? What colour nail polish you use? I mean, REALLY?

    Metatron: Uh, BOSS, I think you’re getting all ranty again… and… your chair is on fire.

    BOSS: *looks down at flaming chair* Oh, sorry, sorry. You know how it is, it’s all I can do not to “strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers” (Ez 25:17).

    *Meanwhile Bin Laden is pretty much cowering on the floor and attempting to hide himself behind the skirts of the Metatron*

    Metatron: Ewww, gerroff! *shakes him off*

    BOSS: Get up you simpering child, all that cowering has come a bit too late. It is time for Me to lay judgment upon thy immortal soul.

    *sits up in Great and Holy Chair, lightning sparks and loud trumpets sound, The BOSS’ voice booms loudly across the aeons and great vastness of the universe and other verses *

    BOSS: Osama Bin Mohammed Bin Awad Bin Laden, I have known your soul and your acts in your mortal days, I have known you before your birth and before your being.

    You have hurt My heart and My creation and you have sinned unto yourself. You have failed to be the least that I ask of you, which is to be a decent and good human being.
    I thus judge you according to My Divine Will:

    *the BOSS stands up*

    *All the hosts of heaven stand*

    *trumpets*

    *angelic choirs*

    *thunder, lighting, earth rending, shattering echoes*

    *a duck*





    =This transmission has been interrupted due to cosmic flows becoming unbalanced and technical issues in making the BOSS’ almighty voice hearable to mortal ears without rending the earth asunder or vaporizing human brains and causing angels to sing and demons to weep and Feglori of the 2nd Green Constellation Space Zoomers to loose trajectory, thus crashing into Jupiter’s nuclear dust storm infested surface and creating a radioactive flare that may or may not cause Neptune to fall out of orbit.=

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    ~WE NOW RETURN TO THE STANDARD BROADCAST. WE APOLOGISE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE~

    *the Great Court of Divine Judgement is half empty. There are a few candy wrappers and a half eaten bowl of popcorn on the vacated seats, the Metatron is taking a few handfuls of it and stuffing it down his toga pocket (and his mouth) to eat later. Some angels have remained to have a word with the BOSS. Osama Bin Laden has already been taken away, presumably.*



    Mich:
    Whoa BOSS, that was…

    Uriel: Yeah, wasn’t expecting that, I mean, not that I have objections or anything, since I have no free will and all, but you know… like, wow. That was amazing in its awe inspiring and terrible wisdom, oh dear, I think I’m going to cry again.

    Luc: *sniffing* Yeah, even made me feel… you know, complete repentance and undying love for you.

    BOSS: Really?

    Luc: Well, no. Not really. But it would have been nice right? Sometimes I do miss the warmth of your all embracing bosom.

    Mich: Oi Luc, avert thine eyes from the Almighty’s breasts, its rude to stare.

    Luc: I know its rude, that’s why I’m doing it.

    BOSS: *sighs* Nonetheless, My beard is up here if you don’t mind. Now – this is going to be a team effort, so I hope you all read the operations manual I’ve prepared to deal with him ok?

    Angels: Yes BOSS

    BOSS: Ok good. Now, I’m supposed to Manifest in India in a few hours so I need to prepare My Elephant visage in time so I expect you all to get to it. And Lucifer?

    Luc: Yes BOSS?

    BOSS: Clean your mess up, there is filth and despair in the wake of your steps, the Metatron just finished cleaning this place on Monday.

    The Metatron: *face full of stale popcorn* mmfff mmfff!
    Lucifer: Heh, sorry BOSS, you know me, beauty on the outside, rotten on the inside.

    BOSS: Well, ok. I’m out of here. You kids get along ok? I don’t want a repeat of the Hitler and the gallon of toothpaste incident ok?

    Angels: Ok, BOSS, Bye BOSS!

    *The BOSS leaves the Court but the BOSS’ omnipresence remains*

    Uriel: *sniff* I miss the BOSS alreadyyyyyyyy *cries*

    Gabriel: I know kid, I know. Let’s get you some hot chocolate.

    Uriel: thanks Gab.

    Transmission Stopped.

    ...
    wait, that’s it?



    TL:DR - Haters shouldn't hate. And God has got some mad Swagger.

    PS - When I wrote this - it seemed a lot funnier. But I pretty much reckon I can't translate Angelic properly without resorting to metaphysics.

    Friday, 27 May 2011

    Don't laugh - I'm Dying Here!!

    So - In light to the reaction of a post I made a while ago somewhere else, I must address the REAL reason this blog has come into existence.
    This is important. I made illustrations (well, one, maybe two) to prove it.

    I'm pretty sure other people have all sorts of self-comfort remedies in times when fevers run high and noses clog or aches and pain relegate you to the smooshy lubbely warmth of BED.
    I adore my bed in times of sickness, but it seems my body has it out for me and enjoys furthering its vendetta against me in all sorts of epic and bizarre ways. Sometimes, the outside world tries to collaborate and invents all sorts of evil contraptions to torture me with.
    So without further ado, I present:

    Tara's Fevered Adventures! now with 20% spittle!

    So anyway, one time, long ago, during my University years - I had a 3000 word paper due. I had some sort of flu, or cancer. But I am ok now, so I guess it wasn't cancer.

    I didn't really realise I was sick. Our dorm was always cold and I slept next to the window. Further, I had a habit of sleeping with long johns, pyjamas, leg warmers, socks, arm warmers, a scarf, gloves and a cute sleeping hat not unlike the one Naruto wears except that it was a yellow hat, with a smiling cat face on it...
    In theory, it should have been cute. I think my roommate had the feeling that she was rooming with a mildly psychotic cat lady, without the cats, except the one on my head.

    Anyway, I had a paper due that week and I was steadily getting sicker and sicker by the hour. By the time I trudged into the Uni library to use their computers to write my paper I was pretty much swaying along the hallway and amiably ambling into invisible, warm cuddly people otherwise know as the other students.

    Eventually I found my seat and started typing.
    Now you must know, when I type a paper - I am all SRS BSNS. You cannot stop me short of an earthquake or maybe a free PS3 (maybe, this needs to be tested out - offers?). I am like a Mr T of essays and I generally give people death glares if they interrupt me in the middle of typing about how the sudden paradigm shift from communalistic philosophy to individualistic philosophy has irrevocably altered gender status in society within the context of intra and extraneous social practices... and stuff...

    So anyway, I was sick during this epic adventure of societal discussion. And, much to my desk mate's consternation, hallucinating. A bit.

    Well, according to him, a lot.

    I asked him, apparently (yeah right), about squirrels. And apparently, I started typing about something else halfway through a paragraph. Also, I apparently started making strange car noises, as if I was trying to cough but my concentration could not afford to break on account of my throat muscles spasming.

    Either way, I was slowly beginning to slide down my seat as my entire body attempted to revert to the usual lie-and-curl-position, as it is prone to when I am extremely ill. It was like watching a very angry, rodent obsessed slug, leaving a slightly sweaty train of scarves and jacket behind.

    I hadn't realised it, but I was still wearing my sleeping hat. But to my credit, I was wearing normal shoes.
    Eventually the only thing you could see of me were my furiously typing fingers, a thick sweater and two red-rimmed baleful eyes glaring daggers at the squirrels that were pulling me under my desk to drag me off to Narnia.

    I think at one point I eventually slumped over and probably yelled something quite heroic. I do not remember.

    So, I'm not good with medicines. I don't mind them, I know they're necessary, I don't mind the taste, its just that when I'm sick, my throat and ears, oddly enough, go on strike.
    Which leads me to flu medicines and how they are engineered to kill us.

    Swallowing daily supplements is fine for me. Cod liver oil? sure - gross, but ok. Centrum? yeah , all good.
    Flu medicine? NO. Body does not want.
    Its like... its like having a baby through your throat. Only backwards. And while I don't really know what having a baby in general actually feels like, I can safely ascertain that swallowing my Dimetapp Liquid Flu capsules pretty much feels like that.
    I mean, what went through the mind of the person designing those things? I imagine it went like this:
    Some guy in a dreary medicine lab (C1) starts making the liquid capsules and his colleague (C2) comes along.
    C1: I really hate making these boring capsules.
    C2: Make them bigger then, big is cool nowadays, its like, extreme.
    C1: People might choke on it dude.
    C2: yeah, but at least they're bigger, its like, extreme.
    C1: you're right, I'll make them bigger.
    And so it went. Clearly - no one has complained about the extreme size of the capsules because C1 clearly kept his job and is still making extreme Dimetapp Liquid Flu Caps.
    I mean - seriously look at the size of this shit!!


    My fingers aren't tiny - these things are HUGE.


    So anyway, having to drink two of these babies every four hours and subsequently birth them in reverse through my mouth (with my metaphorical water breaking in that, I pretty much gurgle and choke on my own dribble and half swallowed water) has not only let my throat extremely paranoid of anything bigger than a peanut, but I have also learnt how to become a not so becoming ornamental fountain. Sort of, if you want an ornamental fountain that makes strange cat noises and gushes acidy medicated, melted plastic water (oh and drool too).
    Taking this medicine makes me want to stay sick and possibly die. Its that bad. Even Sad Keanu didn't want to make a choice:


    And thus, Neo died of Pneumonia, thus never liberating us from the Matrix.


    It's not all that bad. Being sick for me means a type of adventure. Albeit a scary one.
    Sometimes, when, I am completely fevered and delirious and shaking like a wind-up marimba monkey under my blankie (yes, blankie, its a Strawberry Shortcake one, thankyouverymuch) I like to listen to music to cheer me up.
    This is where things start to go terribly wrong.
    Normally, I listen to oldies but goodies. I suppose I get nostalgic for the 80's when I am delirious or something.
    Anyway, I always put that great energising zinger of a song: Maniac - by Michael Sembello from Flashdance.
    You know that one, with the awesome dance move: running-on-the-spot-with-sexy-knees-awesome-dance-manoeuvre-like-that-sexy girl-in-the-video-for-Flashdance's-What-a-Feeling. Yeah, That one.

    Anyway, it is a very energising song, it makes anyone want to dance, even shaking, leg warmered, blanket covered delirious people like me. Especially delirious, no pyjama bottoms (I don't know why), leg warmered, blanket covered people like me.

    Eventually, you find me sliding around in my socks and leg warmers (with no pyjama bottoms) and a giant blanket wrapped around my head like a toga doing the awesome running on the spot move around the house. I am invincible in those moments, and it can go on till about three in the morning.



    Sadly, this is not a very accurate picture. I do not have superman undies.



    When these strange fits of locomotion do not overtake me however, I generally feel like the world is ending. it is usually true, because I am often on the kitchen floor choking on my own spit and half disintegrated Dimetapp Liquid Flu Capsules.

    As such, when I am not choking, shaking, dancing, running on the spot, painting heroically towards the horizon, I am typing. And that is how this blog was made.

    Oh - and crappy picture is copyright me! © Tara Naval

    Monday, 23 May 2011

    My Epileptically Coloured Childhood Cartoons

    So when I was younger I used to watch a cartoon called Jem. I did research on it a while ago and found out it was a cartoon made to promote a set of new toys that were being released.
    Either way, I adored Jem - it had 0% princess in it and it wasn't anime.


    Yeah - it's THAT old... shut up



    Even though I predominantly grew up on anime, mainly because Spain was importing what I presume was cheap cartoons from Japan as opposed to the US, I had some pretty staple western cartoons to look back on, one being X-men, Thundercats and the other being Jem, even if it didn't air for that long.
    I have really muddled memories of the cartoon, I was so young and so ADD without actually being ADD. But I mainly remember that Jem was the lead singer in a band - and she had magic earrings that changed her costume and appearance to whatever she wanted.


    She was like a punk rock Sailor Moon, on crack, and tights, and pink hair (ok - that's a more anime normal thing but whatever), and her boyfriend was butt ugly, even worse than Ken for Barbie. One episode had a volcano and she was inside it - and for some reason she didn't burn, and the lava was pink, but that may have been the bad image quality of my 1992 television.
    My memory wasn't all that wrong. Jem was in a band called Jem and the Holograms, and their rival band was called the Misfits, and Jem did have magic earrings that changed her appearance. I actually never knew there were toys though - but then, back in those days I preferred My Little Pony, G.I Joe, Barbies and St Seiya figurines (yes i liked Barbies and G.I Joe - Ken wasn't good enough for me so i used manlier men in my games) .
    So anyway, I am a polyvore addict when I have the time to do some collage sets on it. I know a lot of people use it for fashion but i like making little pictures up - even though this particular set is more fashion themed, it is inspired by my fave pink haired heroine from back in the better day.



    Jem Kei






    Anyway - I'l probably post polyvore sets when I'm feeling particularly inspired, I've never been able to share my sets onthere because most of the people there are mainly fashionistas and as much as I love fashion I can only look at so many pairs of YSL shoes and beige dresses before I slit my wrists.


    So there BRIGHT COLOUR FOR MONDAY!!!! yeeeeeey


    So what are your inspiring childhood cartoons? Even some anime - I might even make a polyvore set for it.


    Extra tidbit: I asked a few months back some of my friends of mine in the Anime club if they remembered a really old cartoon with space cowboys and robot horses, the horse could talk and there was a generally stupid girl and there was a black dude and more robot horses and blond guys and stuff.


    After some rather difficult research I found that my question held three answers because my convoluted brain had watched three separate cartoons and amalgamated them into one huge futuristic western mess.


    Saber Rider and the Star Sherrifs - I mostly remember the derp that was the girl - and the really weird guy on the horse


    Galaxy Rangers - I remember the blond, just the blond.... Oh and like captain planet - the team was ever so PC!!!


    and my most memorable of the space cowboy cartoons:


    Bravestarr - he had a fucking talking horse!!! with a gun!!!!


    These three cartoons weren't massive parts of my life, but I had watched them regularly on TV every afternoon. I think I watched Bravestarr the most faithfully although I don't remember the talking horse being that scary looking.


    I might do a thundercats polyvore one day - just to see if I can achieve a whole new level of fashion weird.
    Thundercats, thundercats HoooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooOOOOOooo!!!!!!!!

    Friday, 20 May 2011

    My TL:DR review

    Firstly, I apologise for the Camwhoring - I am being an absolute hypocrite with posting shite pictures of myself in bathrooms trying to not look derpy in my self-portrait so that you can look at my face and think I'm some sort of cool and edgy model and stuff.
    I assure you - I am as derpy as you think I am.


    Unfortunately - My second post already fails at convincing you that I am sensible and modest and not vain - hah hah... well...I LIEK MAKEY UP AND LIKE SHOWING OFF HOW PRITTI I AM BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE GIVES ME THAT PRIVILEGE CAUSE I NOT MODEL!

    and stuff
    I'm only beautiful on the outside XP

    Anyway...


    This last month has been a roller coaster of excitement for me. I have finally come to the end of the ride, not so much dizzy and throwing up half way through the loop-the-loop and having my gross land on a hapless bystander holding a balloon and/or fairground snack, but rather, I have come off this high; making horrendous tortured animal noises with my nose and generally typing random shit while I have a fever. I have also tried to bake, more on that later...

    To sum up the last month - We have had easter; therefore chocolate, a chunk of family members arriving from the Philippines; therefore more food and noise and shenanigans and my Cousin's BEAUTIFUL wedding in Terrigal (photos next time); therefore more food and booze.


    All in all - I have gained a shit-ton of weight and have been buzzed on fluffy love. And champagne, but whatever.


    Last weekend we had my other cousin's engagement party. So much <3 !!! My aunt, the lucky gal and meh - all red from fever, wine and outdoor heater

    It was a family affair, some oh, I don't know, 50-60 of us. This of course completely befuddled my new cousin in law whose idea of family did not include cousins, uncles, aunties and so on and so forth.


    Our immediate response was - that's not how Filipino families (or Asian ones for that matter) work, we don't really have a concept of a nuclear family, we just have everyone.


    It was an interesting subject that immediately threw into contrast the social differences between eastern culture and western. It isn't that much of a big deal but as someone who studied sociology/anthropology - it is interesting to see this kind of social thinking in action. Josi was perplexed, not offended or upset, but it was interesting how she couldn't really wrap her head around the concept.
    Being a product of both worlds, I am able to understand her confusion but was also able to explain it to her in ways that she understood - I sounded dorky and bookish.


    Anywaaaay - I tried to bake for the ocassion - S'mores brownies. My first attempt at these didn't turn out so well, I baked the brownies with the marshmallow on top which led to the brownies cooking more slowly and the marshmallows burning, then melting into the brownies until the mixture became brown marshmallow with brownie flavouring.


    Apparently though - they were delicious and everyone ate my mangled sugar mutations up. There was even a theory that there was a 'special' ingredient. I swear there is not.


    My second attempt was visually more successful, I originally got the idea from the wonderful Darla at Bakingdom, who makes the most inspiring treats ever (including my upcoming project - Butterbeer!). This time, I reread her recipe and realised she originally made the same mistake as me. So this time - I followed her advice baked the brownies first and then put marshmallows on top.


    It worked! the marshmallows toasted and inflted and turned into a nice - creamy slightly burnt treat on the top. Unfortunately - my brain thought that wasn't good enough.


    I added more marshmallows on top of those.



    Instead of letting them bake and burn I allowed them to melt with the heat of the still hot brownies until they melted without loosing the cute pastel colours they came in.


    The result was visually adorable:



    Eee! it looks like a quilt!



    It also resulted in it being ultra sweet. Too sweet for my taste tester - mum. I had made a seond batch with the leftover batter and mallows. It was really difficult to serve since the marshmallow was so sticky.I didn't bring the brownies to the engagement party in the end - for fear of giving everyone there diabetes. And knowing Filipino food, it would not have been hard to do so, we already had enough treats there, we brought good booze instead.


    Ok - now to the camwhoring. I wore my first JSK ever bought from Bodyline - I love it to pieces and it looks so elegant without being too outrageously formal. Actually I didn't stand out that much which is what I try to go for since loving lolita fashion doesn't mean you have to make yourself look like something out of a barbie catalogue. I've also never really worn this JSK with a shirt underneath - so normally the effect isn't as pretty. I must say, it looks lovely with a shirt underneath, I wonder why I never did it before?


    My makeup had to be a bit underwhelming, but I wanted something pale and bright so it would stand out in the night but needed to complement it with the rest of my face remaining simple. I always have this great frear that I'm piling on too much simply by applying eyeshadow and foundation.
    The M.A.C Wonder Woman lipstick is called Lustre Marquise, despite the ridiculous name its actually a nice nude pink which makes my lips look paler and glossy without making my lips lose much of that volume that lipsticks tend to give me.
    I used a little bit of mineral foundation powder but not enough to cover my uneven skin or blemishes. This is cause I don't like my face looking even, it makes it look flat and it looks extremely obvious I'm wearing makeup. I kind of go all out on the blush to sculpt my face and that's about it.


    In this instance I used Sakura from M.A.C's new Quite Cute collection. It's Purple! actually, it's a very light purple with a darker fuchsia heart in the centre. I applied the blush liberally because the effect is really subtle. then, with a smaller fluffy brush I dabbed it into the dark heart and used that darker colour to add extra depth lines under my cheekbones. It still looked really subtle...



    Finally I used my trusty Revlon Custom Eyes Palette, using mainly the lilac, fuchsia and a touch of green.


    I just realised I didnt put a shot of my eyeshadow - Its on my other USB - so I'll upload it later - DAMNIT!!!


    As usual - I used my fave scent - Dior Addict2 (I will one day rant about its awesomeness separetely). The result is kind weak I must say - but I like to call it subtle.
    If you squint you can see the green, and purple/fuchsia. It makes the face look paler (especially the purple blush) but it also gives the effect of complimentary shades as opposed to just looking like colours pasted on your face. So all my contours shadowed purple and all my highlights were slightly glimmery with green. Does that even make sense? ugh - I hate explaining colour theory.


    In short, I looked pale, vacant faced and quite derpy. But I liked it.


    Anyhoo, the dinner was great as usual - there was a lot of family, there was Michael jackson blaring loudly in the backyard. I did not spill my food, and, oddly enough I didn't eat as much as I'd liked - there was just too much to make my mind up.


    So yeah. Hopefully that wasn't too traumatizing - I mean, I put pictures of food and swore a bit to make it exciting right? right? A


    Ah bugger it - go look at some puppies